Oh the Virality! Instagram Gave Implied Oral Consent…

Good news for shitologists everywhere…

Via the legal reach-around (the fine print), Instagram photo app gave shitmove.com exclusive rights to place their product anywhere we fucking want to, at any time, for any reason or profit.

So when we found this little B-grade mash-up on the intranet, we thought it would be a fitting first image for a planned series we call “Pics with Dics”.

Heil Instagram

Everyone squeeze together and say Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei!

We would write more but we have to go post this on Facebook.  There is no conflict of interest here so stop sniffing around.

Don’t tell us you need context… Dammit fools: Click here.

A Veritable Preponderance of Obvious Shit Part 1

Here at shitmove.com, we’re occasionally tasked with making tight calls on whether an action is shitty or not.  We convene our panel of representative judges, we behold, reflect, consider.  We render.  It’s a big fat process that takes time and red tape and more titty twisters than we originally expected.  And while none of it is logically complicated for the smart set, there’s a gang of persistent noisemakers who always gum up the works.  It’s what we get for trying to reflect reality in our pool of judges.  So even in the most clear-cut case of shit, there’s always lively debate, hair pulling and other innuendo-laced corporeal punishments to dole out to dissenting judges.  In these dog days of summer, that’s a lot of work.   In fact, too much.

<sigh>

In the Interest of Postponing Fisticuffs…

Typical judge-on-judge violence behind shitmove.com’s Warehouse of Momentous Verdicts.

 

Far be it from us, the crackest panel of judges who’ve ever posted verdicts on this site, to hover over the dead patch of grass in left field.  But, as Lead Diatribist and Boss Man Writer, I do feel a course correction is in order this week.  There are a host of small items on my radar that can be put up and shut down as super shitty within but a few minutes and without the wrongheaded deliberation of the dipshit judges on our panel.

My lawyers have asked that I disclaim suchly: In this post, I represent my opinions alone.  I’ll take this opportunity to point out that my opinions are correct.  Also, shitmove.com is entirely responsible for the content of my correct opinions.

Yes, I’ve given our judge-juror-executioners the rest of the summer off (even the “Omaha Six” who have yet to render a single verdict between them and still eye the sky for hints of the Four Horsemen).  From here to mid-September, it’s just me, my dimming intellect and my handle of Gentleman Jack (corporate sponsorship still available).  I‘ll stretch it out nice and easy for you so as not to spook your attention span.

Gentlemen, check your sacks.  Ladies, seek a sack to check.  Is one lower than the other (or lower than the other two)?  Aha: We’ve located the low hanging fruit…

So let me warm up the old Common Decency Machine and lay down some highly uncontroversial basics for daily living in modern civil society.  I think we can all agree on a few building blocks of decency in order to get along in this old world of ours, yet nary a day passes that doesn’t swing my shitdar south (or, in the case of Marriage Equality –> South).  Perhaps a few of our neighbors need to have their noses rubbed all up in it.  I charge you, dear readers (all 6 billion of you as of 1:33pm EST today): Spread this shit to the far corners.  Let’s get that last billion.  Tell a neighbor, tell a friend:  Knock this shit off.

I know, I know: I’m preaching to the Coolest Choir in the Tri-State Area.  But your dumbass cousins and double-chinned druncles need a stern talkin’-to.

Shit that Happens Every Day

Elevator Assholery

I grew up in a place where I was more likely to ride a grain elevator than a people elevator.  Yet I was schooled early, and with conscientious reason, on elevator etiquette.  The first rule?  Reasonable shit-snipers everywhere will join with me here: Yield to people exiting the elevator.  That’s it.  Even more important than “No Kicking Other Riders in the Shins” and “No Fucking Farting”.  If you’re exiting on a floor where someone else is entering, you go first.  If you’re trying to enter when someone’s exiting, wait your fucking turn.  And don’t act like you forgot—that’s just a tell-tale sign of self-absorption, which earns you exactly zero Anti-Shit points.

We put this one in the Logetiquette 3000 and look what came out (there may have been a 5-year-old stuck in there too):

Problemata #1

Which invariably results in…

Compound #1

Don’t even get me started on the double burden of being gifted with both intelligence and killer powers of art.

Thanks to these master visual aids, it appears fairly obvious: When you enter an elevator, you stand in front of people who are already there.  If these people want to leave, they must then either dry hump or touch tips with you as they try to exit.  Not to mention illegitimate rape.  Any of the above is a little too junior high and/or GOP for the office place.  So pay attention and slow your go there oh Hustlers of Commerce, oh Collectors of the Friday-is-Jeans-Day-If-You-Pay-Us-Two-Dollars Debt.  Janelle from accounting can’t even run that fast (in jeans).

Janelle, you get a 14-second head start while we work out this elevator situation. Ready… set… wait, take that packet of Juicy Fruit out of your pocket so it doesn’t weigh you down… and… that’s right, lean into it and… oh–holy fuck she split her jeans. I can literally see her tailbone. This is not good. What do we do? Call HR? Fuck it, I’m skipping lunch.

What you can do to rectify this shitmove when it happens and prevent it from happening again

If this happens to you, you have no other recourse than to light up the entire fucking panel before exiting and make sure this asshole hits every floor on his way up, down or sideways.  If there are more than three others in the elevator, you’ll have to resort to Fletcherizing the offender’s nipples lest you become a shitiot yourself.

A Game of Inches

Scope this shit:

Not quite there, dingleberry.

Look at the space behind this fool.  That’s not enough room for another car!  You parked exactly wrong.  Unless there was a Smart Car, motor- or unicycle (do I smell a juggler?!) parked in that now vacant space when you first got here, this is unacceptable.  I will give you $17,545 if there was any such thing in that space when Mr. or Ms. Condominium pulled in.  Always bet on unacceptable.

If you are parking in public and have the ability to put your bumper right up to the very edge of the legal parking space, you are obligated to do so.  Measure with your meager boner—that’s all the space you get.  This allows for the highest number of Subarus to swing their hot asses in front of or behind you.  Leaving just enough space for no one to park is the most thoughtless kind of shit.  Use your big boy brain and think before just “doing you” all over the place.

Too Big for Your Britches

Similarly, if you drive a vehicle that is too large for you to navigate into a parking spot (SUV, Bad Boy Truck, Hum-Bummer, Crop-Duster or anything with a “No Fear” decal), you are a shitiot.  Your solutions are:

1) Get the fuck off the road (isn’t that why you bought that metal monster anyway—to go off-roading with your bros and/ or hoes?)

2) Buy a machine more befitting to your clunk-ass small motor skills/ big city life.

If, at any point in life, you find yourself in the midst of a 79-point-turn, you’ll want to stop jerking that wheel and simply go home and kill yourself.  Don’t worry, a stretch-limo SUV can be reserved for your funeral with or without hot tub.

Something tells me this is not a library parking lot.

What you can do to rectify these shitmoves when they happen and prevent them from happening again

There’s one solution to both of these shitmoves.  It’s neither difficult nor very illegal.  You must unholster your glock, steady your hand and aim at the offending driver’s right foot.  Aim true and pull the trigger.  You have now successfully hobbled them into the passenger side for the foreseeable future.  Don’t forget to tell them why you shot them, as it would be mere senseless violence if there were no lesson involved.  If you’d like, simply copy and paste this phrase onto a separate piece of paper to have at the ready to hand them after the shooting:

You’ve been shit-sniped!  Please know that I only shot you because you are either too dumb or too rude to comprehend how to live and drive in a decent society.  Now you know.  You are welcome.

Well Would You Look at That?  Just Look at It!

Since I launched into this post all the way up there, 3 shitty things have happened to me.  I fear I’ve tackled a problem that is perhaps untackleable.

Regardless, I trudge on through the shit.  Look for more missives right here next week.  In case your calendar’s already too full of Fun Stuff to do in Early September, get yourself a personalized reminder by liking our Facebook page, following our trail of disappearing ink on Twitter and, as always, you can send an email with all your own funny jokes to shitmoves@gmail.com.

See you all at the Soft-Serv Shit Machine.

This Must Stop, Exclamation Point

Alright mofos.  You all need to stop using exclamation points.  You’ve abused your punctuation privileges and now you’ve ruined it for the whole class.

Before we descend into this business, let’s address the 800 pound elephant and mixed metaphor in the room…  The loyal among you (read as: the only ones we give a dick about) may be wondering where we, the crackest panel of judges, have been these past few months.  You have been deprived of our wit and wisdom.  You have nothing to share with your friends and you’ve decided to stop shaving whatever parts of your body you once shaved.  You watch new Adam Sandler movies and laugh.  You have simply stopped caring.  Yes, yes.  It’s rough and lonely for party people everywhere.

We offer our fiercest defense: We’re busy and shit.  It was Earth Month in there somewhere.  And even though we know every day is Earth Month, half of us liberal zombies volunteered every single day.  The other half followed them around, pointing and laughing.  There have also been two (2) Raptures (an “A” and “B” round).  Not to mention a host of Unforeseen and Barely Believable Maladies, self-inflicted and otherwise.  Among our pool of fine minds, we count four partial lobotomies and three testicle surgeries (two subtractions, one addition) since our last post.  17 judges moved into new apartments, six died in juggling accidents and four got new cats (one of which has already passed into the pulse of a different night thanks to a no-account ferret who has no sense of humor).  For those dearly departed judges, we’ve already spent the requisite six seconds of silence (one per).  The candles are on their way.  They should arrive about the same time as our newly recruited judges, all of whom are 57-year-old widows from Omaha.  We can’t believe they survived both Rapture rounds either (because they all know the second verse to “Amazing Grace”, carry lightly loved tissues and Saltines in their fat-ass purses and own more than one Santa Claus sweater… what do you have to do to get “caught up” these days?).

Turns out Herff Applewhite was right on most everything except the year.

Despite the turmoil and curses we’ve had to suffer from both sides of the aisle, and despite the temporary limit on our numbers, 95 of us did in fact convene in the last week over cookies and juice boxes to render a final judgment on the (over)use of the good old exclamation point.

Verdict

It has been ruled by the biggest, baddest brains in the Tri-City area that 95% of exclamation points are both excessive and excessively shitty.

Vote

89-6 in favor of chilling the fuck out.  Immediately, exclamation point.

Round B Rapturites had to follow this man and suffer the poor math of a backup QB. Turns out Colorado and heaven are separated by more than 5 miles.

Shitum Majorum

For starters, y’all bitches don’t even exclaim.  Very rarely in real life do we encounter audible gasps, hands slapped to foreheads, jaws dropped.  It’s only on Facebook and other fabulous self-expression sites that we see a shit ton of LOLing, ROTFLMAOing and other barfy cuteness.  And this: !!!!!!!!  Way too much!  Of it!

This is fake-o drama.  In real life, we’ve met some of the biggest mopes, people who rarely crack a smile let alone raise their voice above the disdainful monotone of their native register.  Then we get an email from them or see one of their Facebook posts (which we’d been waiting for all day) and it’s riddled with these !!!!!! fucking things, which mean nothing at this point.  And worse: ??!!??!!  OMBallz!

As you sit there appreciating the finer points of this brilliant diatribe, bear in mind that we actually value and love the exclamation point.  This is exactly why we need to take it away from most of you forever and all of you for one week.  You’ve bastardized the only symbol in the English written language that indicates a relative peak.  See that word there, “relative”?  That has meaning.  In order for the exclamation point to have any effect whatsoever, it cannot be used in every sentence.  Or even every other.  It’s tantamount to screaming all the time.  Plus it’s pathetic.  Cloying.  It’s desperation sewn into written rhetoric.

Ixnay on the Itshay

As ever with a group of diverse judges, a handful exercised their right to be wrong and disagreed with the majority.  There were no cogent arguments amongst the dissent, but we’re happy to detail a brief list of rebuttals.

1)      The exclamation point is a way of ‘smiling’ when you write.  Nope.  Shut it.  When it comes to writing things down, your words are a far better indicator of your feelings than simply slapping this shit everywhere: !!!!!  To this exact point, and assuming we want to smile when we write (talk about !?!?!?!?!?), the overuse of the exclamation point detracts from the worth of using it at all.

2)      No one is overusing the exclamation point!  There’s simply more to be excited about!  Not true.  In fact, since the year 1968, 14,781 independent analyses of Things to Be Excited About have shown a steady decline in the very things in question.  Case in point, we offer the below real-life example for your consideration:

A. Hi (person)!

I just had to e-mail you!!  I am looking to take some dance classes, and I came across this link (link to dance classes)!!!  What!??!

Is this the same (person) from (place)!??!

Soo funny how I found this!!

Have a great weekend!

Signed,

(An extremely calm person in real life who gets inordinately excited about small things when it comes to writing an email, for Christ’s sake)

B. We offer no further example because we know you get an email similar to the above at least once a week.

So what’s wrong with Example A?  Aside from the super-abundance of mirth over the fact that this person saw something cra-aa-hazy on the wha wha wha, what the shit’s going on with the excessive exclamation?  This level of excitement simply cannot be sustained.  Go ahead and keep it up there, Chippy.  See if your eyes don’t pop out your skull.  It’s a public health epidemic waiting in the wings.  Nature has a plan for you called survival of the fittest.  Not to mention the fact that the essential message here is obscured rather than enhanced by the excitement.  What’s this email about anyway?  Just a small coincidence that one person who knows another person from one place found them in another.  Fancy that.  If that hits high on your THO scale, wait until you see the end of that rom com you just rented.  You’re in for fucking treat!!!!!!!!

Rank

Of shitty shitty shitmoves, this one ranks a round old 90%.  If you think that’s high, you should try to communicate with someone in twenty years in a world unchecked by the wisdom of shitmove.com.  Allow us to preview a snippet of text for you: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Heeeeelllllllllloooooooooo!!!???WTF???!!!OMG (offstage brain explosion)

This gentleman loves America and hates excessive punctuation… (!)

What if Everyone Used Excessive Punctuation and Exclamation Points All the Time to Convey the Most Mundane and Simple Pieces of Information???!!!  Hunh—what then???????!!!!!!!

Then excess would be the new norm, shouting the new talking and we’d have to find new ways of portraying that winning combination of stupidity and volume when we make noise at each other.  The old ways are working so well—let’s not scare them away.

What can you do to prevent this shitmove from recurring?

We propose a modest and temporary boycott of the exclamation point.  Let not a one fly from your fast fingers for one week.  From today, July 3rd, 2012 until next Tuesday, July 10th, 2012, every time you go to write an exclamation point, you must instead fully write out the words “exclamation point” preceded by a comma.  Applying this to our above example would read as such:

A. Hi (person), exclamation point.

I just had to e-mail you, exclamation point, exclamation point.  I am looking to take some dance classes, and I came across this link (link to dance classes), exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point.  What, exclamation point?, excessive question mark, exclamation point.

Is this the same (person) from (place), exclamation point?, excessive question mark, exclamation point.

So (excessive “o”) funny how I found this, exclamation point, exclamation point.

Have a great weekend, exclamation point.

Signed,

(An extremely calm person in real life who gets inordinately excited about small things when it comes to writing an email, holy shit)

The logic here is that if we call attention to how often you dipshits are using exclamation points, you may realize you’ve gone a bit far and sanction yourself to a more moderate level.  Then again you probably won’t.

But Tomorrow’s the 4th of July and I Anticipate Engaging in a Number of Very Exciting Text Conversations about Real-to-Life Zombies and Other Ironic Situations at a My Cousin’s BBQ!!!!!!!!!

Your entitlement to get sloshed on Independence Day is the ideal opportunity to practice restraint.  Post forthcoming on that entitlement piece (insert link to future post, blow their minds).

But I Have to Send Work Emails This Week and I Always Use Exclamation Points and if I Don’t Someone Will Think Something Is Wrong Then I’ll Probably Lose My Job Which Will Only Lead to More Exclamation Points When I Text My Friends and Update My Status with a Million Reasons Why Life’s Not Fair

We guarantee that more people will take you seriously if you chill on the exclamation points.  As for using our little system during work this week… Don’t be candy-ass.  Consider yourself a trend-setter.  It’s far more likely that your co-workers will be doing the same thing because WE’RE NOT SURE IF YOU ALREADY KNEW IT OR NOT BUT EVERYBODY IS READING EVERY WORD WE POST HERE, USUALLY AT LEAST THREE TIMES.  A DAY.  You’ll be in the cool club for sure.

If this is not enough to convince you, consider that 89 of 95 judges (and all of the smart ones) think you’re dead wrong.  They’re upset with you.  And at least one of them has three (3) testicles.

Pre-installation

Don’t forget to share our acid judgments with your friends and re-direct them right here when they ask you how you got so smart.  You can also beat the heat by following our imaginary (mushroom) tip of the day on Twitter @shitmoves and “liking” us big time on the Book What Has Faces at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shitmovecom/284105101632722

State by State Shit: Where You At?

The 7 Plus 1 Plus 1 Unshitty States/ Districts in “Chronological Cool” Order

Closing out our Series on Sense, here’s a final, state-by-state verdict on marriage equality in these United States.

Massachusetts: Sensible since 2004.   None but your residents can spell you but we certainly can’t smell you because you’re not shitty.

Connecticut: Sensible since 2008.  You flipped the trend on its head.  You’re the suburb that the city imitated (New York that is, who didn’t get hip until last year).

Iowa: Sensible since 2009.  Nice big swinging balls, oh courts of Iowa!  You do realize that you have to travel a thousand miles in any direction to meet another state that agrees with you, right?  And that your northern neighbor threatens to weave hate into their state constitution?  Trend.  Setter.

Vermont: Sensible since 2009.  We knew Ben and Jerry weren’t on a camping trip.  Who brings lube on a camping trip?

New Hampshire: Sensible since 2010.  Live free or die indeed.  Way to say it and spray it.

New York: Sensible since 2011.  Come on, the fashion capital of the world couldn’t hold out that long, could it?  You heard us, Gay Paris.

Washington: Sensible since pretty much yesterday.  The enchanted swoon of this honeymoon could end before it begins.  Washington may pull a California, postponing enactment of the law and placing it on a ballot in November, where it’s anticipated to fail.

Washington, D.C: Sensible since 2009.  Technically, D.C. should slot between Vermont and New Hampshire, but we knocked ‘em down because they’re not a state.  Quiet, oh District!  If you don’t like it, tell Eleanor Norton Holmes to vote on it next time—oh wait…

In late breaking news, Maryland’s House of Delegates read our Feb 13th post on the House floor and decided to rule on the side of sense (that’d be the shitmove side of the aisle).  The Maryland Marriage Equality Bill passed by a narrow 72 – 67 vote (the 67 Delegates who disagreed with equal rights mostly hail from the corner of the state known as the “Neanderthal Triangle”).  Emmett Burnseses asshole puckered as he wept.  This week, the bill hits the State Senate, where it’s expected to pass as it did last year.  It is then expected to go to a referendum vote in November.  While the concept of marriage equality enjoys a slim margin of support among the Maryland voting public, it will be tight.  If you live in the Old Line State, get ready to hear some dumbass old line opposition in the coming months.  In the meantime, Maryland… you get conditional entrance into the Cool Kid Club.  Play it smooth now.  Act like you would have been here earlier but Chris Christie threatened to teabag you into tomorrow.

Two of the four horsewomen of the apocalypse celebrate marriage equality.

The Briefly/ Nearly Unshitty

California and Maine.  Sensible for about four seconds each.  Success as fleeting as it was sweet.  Just don’t suck Washington and Maryland into your shitstorm.

Shitsville

*Note: 75% of our judges live in shitty states.  We’re not picking on your state: It’s picking on itself.*

Ohio.  Four letters, three syllables, eights presidents.  No fags.

Nebraska.  You have to stand out somehow—why not be a Civil Rights leader by being one of the first ten states to sanctify sense and allow adult human beings who love each other to get married?

Rhode Island.  You’d make so many conservative fear-mongers happy.  They’ve been talking about putting gay people on islands for years.

Pennsylvania.  More traffic on your beautiful, historic turnpike from out-of-state wedding guests.  More gay sex in the turnpike bathrooms.

Indiana, Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan.  Wake us when we get out of the Midwest (respect to Iowa).

Alabama, Arkansas, Missouri, Georgia, any state ending in –lina, Florida, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia.  Wake us up when y’all stop claiming the Confederate Flag stands simply for Southern pride and is not a tribute to racism, violence, and oppression.

Yes, you were listed twice, Missouri.  You’re in a bit of what Druncle Hank would call a “turd on both sides” situation.  We don’t know if you’re in the Midwest or the South or both.  Geographically?  You kinda go both ways.

Aha... that's why Chris Christie is a homophobe.

New Jersey.  You may be struggling to haul your shit to the curb as we speak, but trash day was yesterday.  And Chris Christie… for a big guy you sure can punt the ball down the field.

Arizona, Utah, Colorado and New Mexico.  Four corners, not a lick of sense.

Wyoming, Montana, Dakotas North and South.    We know you already got your 14 citizens together to vote and decided boys kissing boys was against the Man in the Big Sky, but we’ll cut you a square deal: You round up your best aim, we’ll round up ours and we’ll decide this over a skeet-shooting competition.

Delaware.  How about if we can drive the entire length or width of your state in 22 minutes without breaking the speed limit, you stop standing in the way of progress?

West Virginny.  Knock it off.

Alaska.  Brrr.  Sarah Palin.  Rawrrrr.  This state will legally allow you to marry nature itself but gets all flustered when it comes to sanctifying butt sex.

Hawaii.  If you were liberal enough to manufacture a birth certificate for Barack Hussein Obama and keen enough to plant a fake story in the newspaper 51.5 years ago, maybe you can let the perpetual gay honeymooners in your state start having ceremonies there too.  Maybe?

Kansas.  Aw hells no.

Oklahoma.  Isn’t your license plate motto, “Oklahoma is so gay?”  What’s up with that?

Texas.  Remember the interior designer of the Alamo!

Nevada.  “Tip blasting” need not be a term limited to mining methods in the Silver State.

Idaho.  You sure is.

Oregon.  Holy shit.  Let’s just run through a fact or two about Oregon and let our dear readers come up with the joke (seriously, put that funny shit in the comments below).  Here goes… State animal: beaver.  State beverage: milk.  State insect: swallowtail.  Snake River gets hard in the winter but remains slightly bent.  PAC-10 sounds more like a gay club than a conference.  The Columbia Fur District, anyone?  Fucking Oregon.  Your queer ass is in denial.  State morals: confused.

These two ladies would like to go on their honeymoon. What the fuck do you care?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

This all adds up to one shitty country when it comes to marriage equality.  Sure, there’re pockets of sense here and there.  And sure, there’s a lot to be proud of in America.  But reasonable people must experience a slight whiff of cognitive dissonance when it comes to this issue if they are not working to change the current sad state of affairs.

So what can you do?  Whether you live in a shitty state or not, you can make some noise (at the very least).  If you click here, you can enter your address and find all of your local, state and federal representatives.

Right now, we’re duking it out on a state-by-state level.  Of course, there’s a shortcut to all this madness.  The White House.  Unless and until same-sex marriage is recognized at the Federal level, even couples who enjoy equality in their home state will suffer when filing tax returns and traveling in other states.  So at the very least, write your President today (his name’s Barack Obama).  Then talk to your friends, join marches and protests that show what America and Americans truly stand for, and send the naysayers to shitmove.com for a strong slap of sense.  We’ll go toe-to-toe with any old Joe.  At the state and federal level, every single politician should hear from you.  And because shitmove.com is interested in making this easy for you, here’s a form letter (Logic 101 ) you can lift language from to send to them.  Do it now.

Let’s look forward.  Where will we be on the issue of same-sex marriage in five years?  Ten?  Do you think we’ll have more or less states that have legalized same-sex marriage?  We’re betting at least 20 states will have legalized equality by 2020.

Even the most fearful among you (who most certainly are still reading at this point) will have to admit that this change is coming.  Because girls have been kissing girls on the teevee since 1997 (much love to true pioneer and real person Ellen DeGeneres).  Because your kids are growing up with It Gets Better.  And because sense is experiencing a renaissance in the world of rapid social networking (most of this is attributable to shitmove.com, but not all).

We want your picks for which state will be the slowest to sanctify same-sex marriage.  For our money, we call Mississippi, who will attempt to legislate love until 2040.  Who do you got?

Ixnay on Equalitay

Our crack panel of judges has considered, reflected, judged, reflected again and infused their judgment with exclamation points.  It has been decreed by the only authority that matters: Prohibiting same-sex couples from marrying is a total !shitmove!   

And while our verdict was eventually unanimous, we had to do that whole laborious “critical thinking” thing and hear from initial dissenters.

Before we get to their suspect opposition, please note an update in our vote.  We originally reported a unanimous 101 – 0 verdict.  We failed to realize that one judge had left the table for the promise of something better going on in the next room and therefore should have been counted “not present/ not paying attention.”   So while the final vote was unanimous, it was only so among present judges.  With the one holdout, our verdict is a real squeaker: 100 – 0.  We’ll deal with the holder-outer in a few…

Prior to relenting to the relentless logic of the majority, there were three judges who issued opposite views:

1)      The This-Has-Nothing-To-Do-With-Me Judge

This judge claimed that, but for a slip of the tongue in college, she wasn’t interested in lesbianing (well, except there was also that one crazy dream she had about that chick from the cover of the Whipped Cream album, but…).  She initially abstained, stating that even though she was down with hagging around at parades and such, she would leave the marriage issue for her gay friends to argue.

Best. Album. Cover. Ever.

So the rest of us did what we do.  We lit her neighbor’s house on fire.  We punched her uncle in the throat.  We shaved her sister’s head.  And (of course) we pooled out precious resources and bought a puppy that we then stuffed in a burlap sack and submerged in the clogged and infamous “slop sink” in the back of shitmove.com’s gigantic warehouse.  The Avowed Unlesbian finally relented when we rented a backhoe with intent to remove the ground from under her home.

It seems she isn’t interested in standing idly by while the people and puppies around her suffer for no good reason.  It seems she doesn’t like the prospect of the ground being taken out from under her.

We understand you may be concerned that our actions were a tad extreme.  Too violent?  Not to worry: The puppy was actually a robot.  And to cover all our bases, we checked to make sure the singularity had not yet taken place.  The people?  Um… last time we checked, hair grew back, bruises healed and houses got rebuilt.  All of which are good for the economy.  Shitmove.com: Creating jobs in America since forever.

2)      The Misunderstander

This judge quickly abandoned his arguments when he realized we weren’t discussing a mandatory law that would make everyone have to get gay married.  We calmly assured him that just because other people wanted to sword fight didn’t mean he had to.  After which he chilled the fuck out.

3)      The Civil Unioneer

While a stubborn dissenter, this judge was actually the easiest to debunk.  He claimed that he was for Civil Unions, as they would afford the exact same rights as marriage and therefore be no different in the eyes of the state.  We reminded him that we were only examining what marriage is in minimum legal terms and put the simple question to him: “How would a Civil Union be any different than marriage itself?”  to which he replied, as if he were the one winning a point, “It’s not.”  To which we replied, “Precisely.”  What cause for a distinction would then exist?  None.

And the holdout judge?  When we finally tracked him down, this particular shitiot snarled that the “fucking government should get its fucking greasy snout out of marriage altogether”.   He would have sat still long enough to at least register this sentiment formally but there was a rumor that Ron Paul was farting in the next room—which was apparently a must-see.  Unfortunately for this judge, Ron Paul was actually farting on TV in the next room.  Tricky thing about playing telephone in our warehouse… you tend to lose some words.

Ron Paul shouts to cover up a loud fart.

Despite illustrating with our fingers that one plus one did in fact equal two, and despite the 14 diagrams we drew for him indicating that, whether it should be or not, the government already is involved in marriage, he refused to take a side on the issue.  We went over the same ground put forth in the last post, showing that government weighs in on who should and shouldn’t get married and what benefits follow from that marriage.

We further pointed out that he could use this unbalanced equation (the Equal Rights for Some dilemma) to prove his point about the sloppiness of the fucking government being involved in the first place.  Yet we asked for his vote given the current reality.  And yet he refused to issue an opinion.

So the rest of us did what we do in these situations.  We changed the subject.  We asked him what he’d like to eat for dinner.  He replied that a calzone would do the trick.  But because the rest of us wanted Kung Pao chicken, we told him he’d have to wait until Calzone Day (Wednesday) to eat.  Then we locked him in the water closet, where he presently sits.  Every four hours, we allow him a can of cat food, which, it should be noted, is neither a calzone nor Kung Pao chicken.

But what if everyone simply married the person they loved and—gasp!—somehow got a hold of a child to raise?  Oh yeah.  What if?  We find the echo of this question’s stupidity to be its only reasonable answer.

Tune in next time when we call every state in the Union on its shit.

In the meantime, stop having gay sex long enough to “like” us on Facebook, follow us via email or Twitter @shitmoves and tell your friends they can come on out of the closet too, nude or not.

To give you direct incentive to do so, we turn to a comment forwarded to us by one follower, who most certainly was not plugging a foreign website for rip-off Versace goods and/ or Cialis:

“Unquestionably consider that that you said. Your favourite reason seemed to be on the net the easiest thing to have in mind of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed whilst folks think about concerns that they just do not recognize about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the top as well as outlined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take a signal. Will probably be again to get more. Thanks”

We have indeed controlled to hit the nail upon the top.  We can only hope that people will begin to take a signal.

Marriage Equality Now: 86% Chance You Live in a Shitty State

The issue of marriage equality is at the forefront of our national conscious this week, with movement on multiple legislative and legal fronts.

On Monday, February 13th, Washington State will become the 7th in the Union to legalize same-sex marriage, following that hippie-haven Iowa by just under three years.  (Note: Washington, D.C. also allows gays and lesbians to legally marry but is sooooooo not a state.)

In California on February 7th, the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals ruled 2-1 that Prop 8 is unconstitutional.  The state proposition, which defined marriage as strictly between one man and one woman, had been approved by the most progressive homophobes in the nation in November, 2008.

Delegates in numerous other states either already have introduced or are on the verge of introducing legislation or referendums both for and against marriage equality for gays and lesbians.

For example, Governor Martin O’Malley introduced and testified on behalf of the Maryland Marriage Equality Law before the House of Delegates on Friday, February 10th.  He brought two nice Baptist boys with him to bear witness that they’re down with Civil Rights even if they’re not on the down-low with hot guy-on-guy action.

At shitmove.com, we’re not immune to trends.  We’re interested in staying on the cutting edge of social and political issues (did you see our infamous ferret post?).  So as not to be outdone by a bunch of queer-squeezers and Baptists boys, our Introduciary Committee has put the issue before our crack panel of 101 judges for swift and shit-free evaluation.  As we are the common source for last words, consider this flaming hot national debate resolved once and for.  Well, except for the last little legal part.

Final Verdict Rendered on Same-Sex Marriage

1000% of our judges agree that it is uncontestably and unbelievably shitty to prohibit two consenting adult human beings from marrying each other.  What’s more, all 101 agreed that any state that bans gay marriage is shitty. 

Shitum Majorum

Marriage is a function of the state.  Whether or not you believe it to be more is not germane to this conversation.  It is a fact that marriage carries with it exclusive rights and protections under the law, including a litany of unique benefits in matters regarding taxes, estate planning, social security, Medicare, disability, employment, medical care, death, family, housing, consumer protections and visitation rights.  For a list of these exclusive rights, open a new window and visit: http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/marriage-rights-benefits-30190.html.

Denying any consenting couple the right to marry blocks them from the above rights.  Let’s run it though the Logic Machine:

1) Gay and lesbian citizens pay proportionally equal taxes in this country (actually, they pay more on average because they can’t file joint federal tax returns even if they are legally married: http://money.cnn.com/2011/12/26/pf/taxes/gay_marriage_taxes/index.htm).

2) Marital status provides individuals unique legal benefit (as outlined above).

3) Gay and lesbian couples are not legally allowed to marry in 43 states.

4) 1st conclusion: Gay and lesbian citizens are prohibited from receiving equal benefit under the law (based on numbers 2 and 3).

5) Obligations of citizens residing in a state can only rightly be required if these citizens are represented fully by the state (you might disagree, but we submit for your review the concept of “taxation without representation”).

6) Paying taxes is one obligation of citizens residing in a state.

7) Gay couples should not have to pay taxes (based on numbers 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6).

Now look at numbers 1 and 7.  There’s an issue that requires our attention.  By virtue of the truth-preserving logic above, we’ve arrive at an impasse.

Of course, for this argument to be valid, all of the premises must be true and the subsequent conclusions must be both sound and derived from the premises.  We understand this is more logical foreplay than most people care to engage in and so invite you to challenge this argument in the comments below or by emailing shitmoves@gmail.com.  For those of you who have kept up, you’ll find that you either have to allow that same-sex couples should be exempt from federal taxes or allow them to tie the knot.

If you disagree, you are dumber than…

If you oppose same-sex marriage and have somehow come this far, you may be feeling abused.  You should.  But it’s not the gentle folk at shitmove.com kicking your ass.  It’s logic.

If the gay-haters in this country traded their fear for logic, they’d realize it’s high time to cancel Jesus’s birthday because the gays are here, they’re queer, and they’re totally about to get gay married on your front fucking lawn (you’ll have to take the Santorum sign down for the ceremony unless you want to see a sign weep).

And look, if this all makes you uncomfortable, we invite you to the positive side of shitiocy.  The glass is half full here.  Think about it.  Lots of gay weddings means lots of gay wedding registries at high-end retailers.  Because that’s where they shop.  Imagine the surge in sales of scented candles and apple-tini stemware!  Because that’s what they buy.  Except for the bears.  They like bacon, eggs and beard combs.  But then the twinks like to shave down there, so Gillette should really increase their production despite the bears (though it’s no secret gays of all stripe prefer the feel of a nice hard Schick).  And more lesbian weddings means an increase in registries at Harley- Davidson, a strong uptick for Doc Martens and flannel shirts, and a doomsday rush to the pet store to stock up on catnip.  But then there’s the femmes, who like lipstick and read Glamour…

Fuck.  There’s a lot of variety here.  It’s really hard to categorize a queer.  Since that was fruitless (what–no pun?), we’ll pick up the thread of our argument again.  The point here is in regard to full marriage rights for same-sex couples.  Fuck civil unions.  They’re the same devil by a different name.  “Separate but equal” arguments are not valid here or anywhere.  If logic were not our guide on this front, history would be.  Today, reasonable people scoff and shake their heads sadly at the horrid history and very concept of “separate but equal” when it comes to racial segregation.  As well they should.   But it’s happening again.  This logical dead-end has returned in the public discourse regarding marriage rights.

In the near future, Americans will look back on this time with equal disdain and confusion over the fact that our elected officials codified bigotry that targeted gays and lesbians.  Those who restrict civil liberties for same-sex couples will be seen through the same filter of due scorn we currently use to look upon politicians who opposed equal protection under the law for citizens of color.

Alas, the shitiots of the world are scared.  They have no experience with reason and are disinterested in Civil Rights.  They love only their fear and ignorance.  A prime example of the poverty of their logic comes out of the Maryland debate over the issue.  It won’t exactly shock the shit out of you to learn that, when the topic of marriage equality was introduced in the Maryland House of Delegates, a series of idiotic conflations, hasty generalizations and boner-killing pseudo-logic followed immediately after.  Front and most egregiously center stood erstwhile “gay predator” target and elder statesmen Emmett Burns, who urged a calm, level approach to the subject by revealing dramatic personal experiences with “the gays” from more than 60 years ago.  Yes, never mind the septuagenarian jowls you see here—it appears Emmett used to add fuel to the fire by Burnsing up the flames.

Hot. If not quite ready to trot.

By his recount, he was approached twice in his Mississippi youth by men wanting to teach him the difference between giving and taking.  The level and extremely unemotional circle he draws for himself looks like this (please postpone all critical questions until the vote’s been taken and cue the Droopy Dog voice-over):

1) When I was 12 and 13, two different men asked me to perform some sort of sexual act with their penises.

2) This made me uncomfortable because I did not then, nor do I now, want to do anything sexy with a penis that is not mine.

3) I knew then, as I do now, that having sex with another man was unnatural (no logical premises needed—you quiet your questions!).

4) Therefore, providing equal protection for gay men and women under the law is gross.

5) Did you read number 3?!  I think we can all agree on crystal-clear, unloaded terms like “unnatural”.  I certainly don’t have to detail it here—I was nearly raped!

What the esteemed gentleman fails to realize is that he is a sexual outlier.  He’s entirely too attractive to be judged on the same level as other people.  Have another look-see:

Mmmmmm-hmmmmmm.

He makes guys go gay.  And before you accuse us of blaming the victim, consider that two of our male judges turned on Bravo after just one little peek at Emmett Burns.  Three of our female judges experienced the double bummer of spontaneous combustion before reaching full climax.  And so we relent, allowing for logical exceptions when it comes to Delegate Burns.  We see no reason to hold a standard of reason to anyone in his presence.  Small wonder he didn’t get more offers to “jump off the diving board”.

Good thing this honest and decent and smart man has been in office since 1995.  Good thing he listens to his better angels and baser emotions rather than the arduous implications of critical thought.  We were worried he’d hang his jowls in embarrassment after seeing his argument put into writing.  But you can relax.  We can all relax.  This badass is still beaming and can’t wait to tell you how much he hates gay marriage.  And he’s a shoo-in for re-election.

So if you ever visit the Maryland House of Delegates for an open session and find yourself in the men’s room, remember—narrow stances only lest you trigger a cascade of horrific memories for the gentle delegate from Baltimore County.  And if you happen to see the word “faggot” written on the stall wall, well… we certainly don’t know how it got there.

Tune in throughout the week for more on this topic, including…

Ixnay on the Itshay – Wherein we shame three judges who momentarily went against the majority (The This-Has-Nothing-To-Do-With-Me Judge, The Misunderstander, and the Civil Unioneer).

A Full List of Shitty States Replete with Honorable Mentions

The Big What-If

And…

The Call to Action

There’s more.  So much more.

If you’ve been outed as a shitmove.com fan, get around to the proud part and “like” us on Facebook.  If you’re still in the closet (what with all the cursing), get your shit sent to you secretly via email or follow us on Twitter @shitmoves.  We promise not to tell.

Homeless Welcome. Best of Luck! (What Housing Crisis?)

As lead writer at shitmove.com (no pictures, please), I reserve the right to post random shit that falls in my lap.  For instance, this advert for a modest 2-bedroom rowhouse in Baltimore, MD.  Read through the listing and tell me when it turns the crazy corner for good (hint: Number 4).  Or just skip to the bottom to have the hilarity handed to you.  Oh, and for all you Typo Clubbers out there, this listing is copied verbatim, so don’t email us regarding the difference between plural’s and possessive’s.

DESCRIPTION


 
2BR/1BA Single Family House  

offered at $1,000

Year Built 1880
Sq Footage 912
Bedrooms 2
Bathrooms 1 full, 0 partial
Floors 2
Parking 1 Uncovered spaces
Lot Size 792 sqft
HOA/Maint $1,000 per month

 

   

DESCRIPTION


Open floor plan row home updated three years ago with new pergo floors, ceiling fans, tiled bathroom, dishwasher, disposal, washer, dryer, and furnace updated 2 years ago.Cats only.

Section 8, MBQ, and Baltimore Homeless Welcome.

To apply and qualify please have or bring:
1.) Good Credit Score.
2.) No Evictions.
3.) Collections less than $1,000.00
4.) Income of 3 times the amount of rent in legal form. We need the two (2) most current pay stubs and you must have been employed for at least 2 years with the same employer. If self employed most current Schedule C.
5.) An ENLARGED to 8.5″ x 11″ copy of your drivers licenses or ID of each person over 18.
6.) Must have a personal check or savings or statement to verify bank and send us a copy of the past two statements.
7.) Copy of Social Security Card.
8.) Signed copy of the Directions for Applying Online. Application must be filled out for each individual over the age of 18 whether or not they are on the lease.
9.) $25 application fee for each person over 18 years of age pay with Visa, MasterCard, Check or Money order. No cash accepted for any transactions.
10.) To hold the property bring a security deposit in the amount of the first months rent.

-END OF AD, BEGINNING OF CRACK ANALYSIS-

Here is a partial list of items I find deserving of further unshitty scrutiny:

1) Zero partial baths.  Hmmmm.  I can overlook that.  Reading on…

2) Cats only. I’ll come back to this.

3) Baltimore Homeless Welcome.  What if my homeless address is in Philly?

4) Good Credit Score, No Evictions.  Whew.  I’m still in the running for this prize.  I hope it has a view of the tennis courts.

5) Collections of Less Than $1,000.  I’m gonna go trade Mickey my old Super Nintendo (with 2 working controllers) so I can get my debts down to a manageable $999.98.

6) Income of 3 Times the Amount of Rent in Legal Form.  Define “legal”.  Also: Would you say you’re a “good” arm-wrestler?

7) We need… Whoa, whoa there.  Let’s pause on these two (2) words.  There’s been a narrative shift here that evokes images of a douche bag poking me in the chest.  Prior to this, it was all business.  There was no first person plural about it.  All of a sudden, two dudes roll up on me with baseball bats and start putting the screws to me.  I’m getting more skeptical with every line.

8) …two (2) most current pay stubs and you must have been employed for at least two years with the same employer.  Thank you for clarifying that the form of “two” you used meant the number rather than “too” or “to”.  This restores the formality of the ad.  But let’s talk about having to have been employed for at least two (do they mean the number here or what?!) years with the same employer… this means that President Obama could not have moved in here on inauguration day.  And… there goes our homeless applicants.  Too bad.  This seemed like a chance to get a real leg up.

9) An ENLARGED to 8.5″ by 11″ copy of your drivers licenses or ID of each person over 18.  CAN YOU PLEASE USE THE WORD ENLARGED IN A SENTENCE OR PROVIDE ANOTHER HELPFUL VISUAL?  I’ll leave the plural/ possessive thing alone but I will say, of all the complicated items I need for this kick-ass place, there is no fucking way I’m giving you an enlarged copy of my driverseses licenseseseses.  Prick.

10) To hold the property bring a security deposit in the amount of first months rent.  Why do I feel like, by the time I scrounge up $1000, this hot prop will have been snatched off the market?  Why do I feel like it’s not just the Oxford comma that’s in trouble?  And why do I feel like a “flying comma” should have been placed between the “h” and the “s” in “months”?

11) This last is not written in the listing, but it’s implied…  One last thing is required for you to rent this mansion: A lock of your youngest daughter’s hair.  If you do not have a daughter, must show video proof that you have tried to conceive one for the past five (5) years.  If you have a daughter but she’s uncooperative or bald, she must live in the shed out back.

12) Returning to the “cats only” issue… If I meet all the requirements to rent this place, I am bringing my fucking ferrets with me.  Full.  Stop.

13) Yes, I have all of these things ready to go.  Yes, you can steal my identity.

Alas, it appears that this is a renter’s market.  By which I mean that if you have a rowhome to rent out, you are in a position of command.  All the national facts and figures (and local East Baltimore numbers) back this up.

Lastly, disregard the below formatting fuckups.  Every time I try to fix them, I manage to erase the whole thing.  You win, WordPress text uploader.  You’ve out-thunk me.

Don’t forget to follow the hell out of us on Twitter @shitmoves (we’re slightly bluer over there), “like” the shit out of us on Facebook and get your shit sent straight to you via electronical mails.

     
     
 

Shitmove Scenario: Standing in Line

With the full power of our esteemed panel of judges rested and ready for action this week, we decided to broaden the scope of our consideration.  Instead of evaluating a solo shitmove, this week we consider a common shituation.  Think of it as three shitmoves and 45 poor puns in one resounding judgment.

At the risk of insulting your intelligence, we’ll start where you stand: Waiting in line for something.

Everywhere we turn, lines.  Breakfast lines, lunch lines.  We put our names on lists waiting in line for dinner.  Movies.  The grocery store.  The post office.  Lines at bars include the bathroom, the Michelob Light tap and pickup lines.  Airports are shitty with lines, both coming and going.  Line dancing.  Traffic is one big line.  At Quizno’s, we wait in line to be told what we can and cannot order (cucumbers are for salads, numbnuts [http://shitmove.com/2011/12/31/2011-a-look-back-through-shit-colored-glasses]).  You get to know the people in line for roller coasters and at concerts.  The mere sight of a turnstile promises to net you a new friend.

The bad news is that you cannot avoid something shitty happening in this situation. The good news is that you can probably get away with that fart.

Shitum Majorum

Each of the below scenarios illustrates that, contrary to the laws of physics and lessons of our betters, you can both cross a line and stand in it at the same time.  And yup… they’re all total shitmoves.

1)      The Audible Weight Shift

We are quite surprised to realize you don’t want to be here, standing in line with us.  We would never have guessed it from the undumb and super satisfied—almost serene—look on your exceedingly attractive face.  It is only when you exhale loudly and pissily pass your weight from one leg to the other that we realize our original impression might have been a tick or two south of accurate.  While you stand there taxing your frame with the very weight it has been charged to uphold, ponder this little brain teaser:  If you think standing in line next to one of our judges tips the suck scale, try standing next to yourself.

It’s the fucking post office/ fucking Costco/ the fucking most popular lemon slushy shack on the boardwalk.  It’s a weekday at 5:30pm/ Saturday at 11am/ a Saturday afternoon in August on the East Coast.  So you tell us, dipshit: What in your 45 years of living and taking air in this efficient world makes you think there isn’t going to be a line?  We can only hope your unique mix of utter stupidity, audible body language and aggressively bad breath will not survive beyond the confines of your sweat suit.

2)      The Conspiracy Theory

We would like you to consider the prospect of being our best buddy.  See, we simply don’t know enough people already and commonly seek new camp pals while waiting in line to send a package to friends we don’t have.  Would you kindly consider wearing the other half of our “Be- Fri-“ necklace in between poorly worded theories on why the world is out to get you?

If you have ever started a sentence with a sigh while standing in line, you are a shitiot.  If you’ve ever turned toward us and launched your expert opinion on how many more people you would have staffed as the supervisor in this particular situation, you are a shitiot.  If you’ve ever turned to your poor seven-year-old child and espoused one of your most insightful lectures entitled either “I Don’t Have No Idea What’s Takin’ So Long” or “There Ain’t but the Four Cashiers Workin’,” you are a shitiot.  We have enough shit to navigate in our daily dealings without you inviting us to invented conspiracies based on your internal emotional state and your poorly formulated and filtered ideas of right and/ or wrong.

3)      The “Can I”

For the most part, our judges are simpatico with those hard-working souls on the other side of the line.  We’ve even given high fives to clerks at the DMV.  In fact, most of us are those people in real life (though we will soon slough off that mortal coil for a new fate as a full-time, full-paid shitologist).  Most of our vitriol is aimed at that rampantly idiotic and rightly maligned majority detailed in numbers 1 and 2 above.

But we do admit that there is a certain dead attitude among select customer service professionals that provokes its own judgment.  In the interest of keeping this post pithy, we will sum it up with one point, though we could easily fill volumes…

If we are next in line, having realized our objective of joining the line in the first place, and you call us to your station by asking “Can I help you?”… you are not a shitiot, you are The Shitiot (the Dostoyevsky translation was off by a couple letters).  Do you think we’d be standing in this line listening to the shitstorm spewing from these morons for 29 years if we didn’t need your help?   The question is not whether you can help us but rather how you can help us.  The proper question in this scenario  is “How can I help you?”

We need you to use your training to send our package/ scan our items/ get us a fucking lemon slushy.  We don’t need you to register your disdain for your job by asking a rhetorical question that purports to assist us.  You are not subtle; you are not bright.  We have regard for your professional function in society and if you don’t, we’re in no position to help.  We care no more about your life than you care about ours.  So let’s stick to business.  Oh yeah.  You can help.  We’re 20% sure of it.

Ixnay on the Itshay

While the dissension didn’t hold up under the majority’s methods of persuasion, there was one judge who attempted to point out that calling shit on such common occurrences as these indicated that every other judge was, in fact, the shitiot here.  But, as confirmed by a Skype session with his mother, this judge had three fingers pointing right back at him.  And, as any opposite opinion does not go unpunished, we were forced to subject said judge to a simulation of these shitty line experiences.

And so we: 1) Constructed a “shipping store” in our warehouse; 2) Kidnapped a postal employee in the wee hours of a Thursday morn using only a burlap sack and sock full of quarters; 3) Enticed Tanya, a harried but curvaceous woman who was walking down the street with a box under her arm, into our warehouse by telling her we had four free scratch lottery tickets for her if she tried our new shipping store; and 4) Avoided violating most federal and local laws in the process.

Everything went according to our best laid plans.  The postal worker thought he was in the right place due to his general fuzziness and the fact that our warehouse is painted “concrete blue”.  Tanya thought she was due for a windfall because she’d prayed on it just the night before after skimming through The Secret (which you might also know under its working title, The Wish).

So we gave our dissenting judge a single envelope to mail and placed him in line on Tanya’s “good side”.  Within 14 seconds, she proceeded to regale him with multiple and, at times, contradictory customer service insights and sighs.  After four arguments (one between Tanya’s brain and Tanya’s mouth), six burps, three “’scuse me”s, 19 “hu-unh”s, a brief interval wherein the postal worker could have sworn he left his scissors “right here”, one half of a successful transaction and 13 hours, our judge passed out from sheer exhaustion just as he was about to be welcomed with a question that started with the words “Can I…”

And not to worry, we freed our captives after erasing their memories (which went faster than normal because we didn’t have to maneuver their imaginations, which were mysteriously absent).

When we gave our boy the old smelling salts and he still hesitated before signing his agreement, we made him go out back and pick his own switch.  At which point he relented.

For those of you not born in rural Ohio, this is what a switch looks like. You use it to beat fools about the legs and buttocks.

Final Vote

100 – 0 with one recorded absence from a judge who was busy hooking up with Tanya as she shouted “I knew I was due!” in the parking lot.

Tune in next week when we consider the current state of civil rights in our fair democracy.  And for shit’s sake, “like” us on Facebook already, sign up to be in the Typo Club (both upper right of this page), follow us on Twitter @shitmoves and tell your one funny friend where to go to get his/her/its shit straight (here).

Ready, (Trend)set… Go!

Wildfire Spreads Like Shitmove!

Our 101-judge panel has been given a down week due to the controversy surrounding what has come to be known as the “Supremo Wedgie Impasse”.  There are but two of us writers here in Shitland, warily eyeing each other and the last piece of celebratory red meat from last night’s “Newt or Bust a Nut” party.  South Carolina binges are the best.  South Carolina hangovers are the worst.

In order to avoid merely sitting on our thumbs and twiddling our asses, we want to give you, our readers, a shout-out and backhanded call to action.  That’s right, dear shitmover.  Here’s a brief report that will verify your long-held conviction that you are easily one of the coolest million of seven billion people on the planet.  This post is a Cool Calling Card for you, replete with copy-and-paste proof that you both rock and roll.

If you’re reading this, you’re among the coolest choir ever to be preached to.  Shitmove.com is reaching the far corners of this round globe.  While new, it is insanely pervasive.  We address you from the upward-tipping point on the exponential curve.  Thank you for being here with us on this monumental occasion.  As our list of followers blossoms into the billions, you can proudly state that you were here first.

What mounting evidence can we cite for the claim that shitmove.com is (as we speak) hitting the biggest fan? 

As if the Professional InfoGraphic weren’t enough, peep these exhibits:

A.      Permeation of casual vernacular.  One judge was recently thrown out of his home by his wife of 10 years.  As he dodged creative projectiles (his collection of first-edition copies of Howard Hughes’ autobiography), he asked what he’d done to deserve such a fate.  The response?  “What didn’t you do?  You’re a complete shitiot!”  Well struck, sister.

B.      Inside jokiness effect.  Another of our judges was recently waiting her turn at a 4-way stop when she got waved on by a Surefire 4-Way Stop Arbiter.  She and her passenger turned to each other and rendered their judgment in perfect unison: “Shitmove!”

C.      Shitty behavior has increased tenfold since site launch, which oddly also coincides with the GOP primary season.  While it may appear that an increase in shitty behavior would go to show that shitmove.com is not being read or considered by any, let alone all, the fact is that every piece of social and political shit that drops reinforces the value of shitmove.com.  We take it as a direct compliment that so many friends want to keep us in business.  Particular thanks to Michael Moore, Newt Gingrich and ferrets, all of whom continue to exist.  Note that we do not mention anything about jugglers here.

D.      One of our email followers is listed as “Yahweh”.  No explanation needed.

And there’s more.  You can hardly Google anything without being redirected to shitmove.com.  Here are just a handful of search phrases that will yield shitmove.com as a result.  Both text and image searches.

We literally could not make this shit up:

The Obvious and Slighty Boring: “shit move”, “shitmove”, “shitmove.com”, “shit moves”.

The Curious: “rodeo”, “funny American football quotes”, “sunoco gas turnpike”, “pin up rodeo”, “turnpike sunoco new jersey”, “turnpike sunoco, new jersey”.

The Bi-Curious: “young hank williams jr”, “the complete hank williams jr”, “hank williams kids”, “hank williams jr young”, “hank williams jr accident before and after”, “hank williams jr 2012”, “hank williams jr funny”, “hank williams jr without beard”, “hank williams jr no glasses”, “living proof the hank williams jr story”, “hank williams jr before accident”.

The Hilarious: “possum male”, “pa turnpike urinals”, “breath smells like pine cones”, “mean funny quotes”, “anthro possum”, “bowling ball pin placement”, “bigassunicornsanddoublerainbowsforever.com”, “shit common motive”, “cartoon pics about jugglers”.

Finally, The Absolute Best: “FERRET ASSHOLE!” (Caps and exclamation point added by shitmove.com editorial robot staff).

We’re fairly certain that these searches will continue to yield shitmove.com thanks to this post.  We’ve got a corner on the market for “bowling ball pin placement”, “anthro possum” and “ferret asshole”.  It appears our work here is done.  But before we consider shutting down the site, give yourself a pat on the back for showing up.

And consider this: You may not be getting your due.  Sure, you read each new post, but have you gotten the street cred you deserve?  Below follows your invitation to the 2012 Ahead of the Curve Block Party.  All you have to do to earn your express VIP pass to the make out room is:

1)      Read shitmove.com daily.  Or, ok… at least weekly.  Drink every post like fine champagne that someone else paid for.  Love each like a wounded pet (unless you own a ferret).

2)      Comment on what you read.  Help steer the shit ship.

3)      Pull out select quotes to share.  Think of what you would put on a t-shirt/ mug/ bumper sticker/ magnet/ flag/ tattoo.  Oh yeah.  Shit swag on the real is en route.

4)      Go to http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shitmovecom/284105101632722 to find exclusive commentary and other uncanny witticisms.  While you’re there, “like” us.  A lot.

5)      Follow Mr. Shit Moves (@shitmoves) on Twitter.  Not on Twitter?  Perhaps you’re not that cool after all.  How do people stay up-to-date on your latest bright ideas in 140 characters or less?  Text us your thoughts.

6)      Follow us via WordPress.  Because you can.

7)      Send an email to your friends detailing steps 1-6 above.  Lead with a catchy line like “Shitmove.com Goes for the Juggler.”  Everyone will eventually get it.  But you get it first, which makes you awesome.  Your man junk/ lady parts will soon be bronzed.  Now tell your crew to pay the shit forward.

To stave off boredom, we’ve got another list for you that breaks our fans down into unique categories in order of awesomeness (from least to most).  Which one are you?  Which do you aspire to be?

1)      The Juggler- Those ambidextrous and rabid fans who so love our November 21st post (http://shitmove.com/2011/11/21/juggling-other-molestations-of-logic-shitmove-from-the-personal-files/) they shared it with 150 of their juggle buddies in one day, made a random but extremely wise/ piercing/ devastating/ hilarious/ supremely unshitty comment only to abandon the site until such time as another zing shows up on the comment page of said post.  Come back, friends.   Share your insights!

2)      The Hank Williams, Jr.- That fan most partial to December 12th’s post (http://shitmove.com/2011/12/12/a-tale-of-two-shitiots-part-1/) who inadvertently stumbles upon shitmove.com in a search of nude photos of Hank Williams, Jr.  While they did not intend to navigate their browser into The Shit, they find themselves at home once there.

3)      The Stalker- That ghost of a reader who shows up multiple times to go through our underwear  drawer but never comments, likes, follows or interacts.  They know we take long showers but never let themselves get caught.  Just when we squint to see them, they’re in the air…

4)      The Awaiter-of-Further-Instructions- The fan that will read every post, even talk about how right/ funny/ wrong/ stupid shitmove.com is, but never navigate their browser to our site independent of a Facebook or Twitter reminder to do so.

5)       The Friend-with-Benefits- That variety of fan who prefers the casual hook up.  They call us after multiple rejections from theoretically cooler company at 1am on a Sunday morning and want to know if we’re still awake.  They do “like” us on Facebook, just not like that.  Oh, and they usually regret hooking up as soon as they come over.

6)      The Typo- This fan not only reads every post, but has also signed up for email notifications for all new posts.  They have the unique ability to prove that shitmove.com writers are not infallible robots, as they typically receive the original post with every slander, poor idea, double negative and typo included.  These are later edited out by our robot editors (we typically post when their battery packs are charging because we labor under the delusion that we’re invincible).

7)      The Tweeter- This fan reads every post and follows us @shitmoves on that Twitter machine.

8)      The Patient Zero- This fan not only loves every fucking word of every fucking post, they regularly share each post at least twice a week and put positive peer pressure on their friends to get down with the shit.  They spread the virus and are usually blood-related to or sleeping with one of our judges.

9)      The Hot-and-Heavy- This fan does all of the above.

Finally, here’s something you can copy and paste in the email/ Facebook message you are definitely going to send to all your friends right after reading this.  Be loud and proud, fool.  Feel free to sub in your own examples.

Dear Person,

Since I’ve known you, you have always followed my lead.  Because of my influence on your life, you (tried skinny jeans back when ass crackers were in style).  (You started and stopped pegging your pants.)  (You started and stopped using early-90s pop culture references.)  (You avoided voting for Ralph Nader.)  Now I’m asking you—nay telling you—to take my word for it again.  You won’t be sorry and I might even hang out with you more. 

Here’s what you must do (don’t worry, it’s so easy my idiot neighbor’s ferret can do it): Go to www.shitmove.com and read the hell out of it.  Then, without getting confused by forming your own slow opinions, click the “like” button on at least one post.    You must also go to http://www.facebook.com/pages/Shitmovecom/284105101632722 and “like” that page too.  Do not weary of the “like” button!  Then on to twitter.com to follow @shitmoves (https://twitter.com/#!/shitmoves).  Finally, copy and paste this message and send it to those few friends you have that actually listen to you.

Love,

(Your name), Rockstar/ OG/ Fly Girl

You’ve Got to Say It and Spray It: Talkin’ Without Walkin’ Is a Shitmove!

So there we were, all 101 of us, hotly debating a new shitmove this weekend past (contesting whether or not receiving a “supremo” wedgie is grounds for murder), when one of our progressive-ass judges and sometime-y writers starts in on this symposium he attended on poverty.   This judge got such a major diving board just talking about it that three people sat on it and our final vote was derailed (though it must be stated that three previous votes had resulted in the deadest deadlock).  So we decided to delay the vote in favor of considering a whole new sack of more topical shit.  For this week, with minor delay and major blue balls about the wedgie issue, we consider the direct and indirect shit content of Remaking America: From Poverty to Prosperity, moderated by Tavis Smiley.

We asked “Was there any shit to be found on- or off-stage?”  After reviewing the footage, we’re happy to report out on our fair consensus. 

The Players 

Panelists at the Remaking America: From Poverty to Prosperity event were:

  • Michael “Did You See That Time I Zinged Charlton Heston Big-Time?” Moore
  • Majora “MajorAwesome” Carter
  • Cornel “Fast, Find Something to Rhyme with West ” West
  • Barbara “I’ll Support Your Strike” Ehrenreich
  • Suze “Orange” Orman
  • Vicki B. “Insert Pun Starting with ‘B’ Here” Escarra
  • Roger “Wikipedia Him” Clay, Jr. 

    "From Poverty to Prosperity" panelists. Some math: Combined speaking fees for one appearance from these experts equals roughly $150,000 dolla dolla bills, 3 - 4 times what most Americans will make this year.

 Verdict

Talkin’ without walkin’ (or drinkin’ the Kool-Aid without thinkin’ you been fool played) is most certainly a shitmove.  Because while these polemic pundits of the left of left certainly had some shit to wade through, the majority of the shit falls squarely on the 1500+ people that crammed into Lisner Auditorium at GWU (and the more than 300 souls that flooded the overflow room and the thousands that watched live or online).  And here’s the good news: For the first time in our 50+ years of evaluating shit (collectively), the bad guys in this adventure are only potential shitiots.  True to a certain version of the American form, audience members have an opportunity to manifest their own destiny by use of their brain in order to avoid the curse of our harshest judgment and attendant shame.

Shitum Minorum

As stated, panel members definitely have some shit to live down.  But if you’ve ever paid attention to anyone on either side of the political spectrum, you know better than to walk into an event like this without a 70-pound bag full of grains of salt to mix with every word and string of spittle that flies from the lips of these (mostly) media personalities. 

If you’re worried that we’re just out to dump on the panelists, allow us to preview a flavor of our finer points up front by saying that this event is an important one that deals with a topic we should all be discussing with more sincerity: 3rd-world poverty in a 1st-world nation.  This is the conversation we should to be having.  But the broader point is that individuals have a responsibility to consider this conversation as a point of departure rather than a pat conclusion.  And critical thought applies to every last sound bite. 

Most readers would abandon the shit ship right about now, anticipating a call to action that might interrupt their Herman’s Head marathon and/ or juggling practice.  But not shitmove.com readers.  Not never.

We’ll build up to the big ask.  First let’s evaluate some select points from the evening to see if they’re shitty.

One minor call to action must precede our analysis: Don’t take our word for it.  Scroll to the bottom of this post for a link to the first of three rebroadcasts available for free on Tavis Smiley’s PBS page.  For the sake of your attention span and making the most critical of critical points, we’re completely cherry-picking here.  The points we’re lifting from the forum are not meant to represent the entirety of the panelists’ views.  We have selected those points which seem to have gone down easy for the crowd but we feel need more stringent analysis. 

Roger Clay, Jr., President of the Insight Center for Community Economic Development in Oakland, made two points that were both logically bound together and more than a little frustrated.   The first was that he is “more disappointed than he thought possible” with the Presidency of Barack Obama.  Fast on the heels of this statement was another regarding his “unrealistic expectations” regarding said Presidency.  We appear to have found a link… Do not unrealistic expectations yield severe disappointments?  For a man who has kicked around for at least 66 years on this green earth (he was born when FDR was still President but probably after he stopped walking), you’d think his expectations would be more in synch with reality by now.  Optimism has nothing to do with reality.  On the contrary, it is a philosophy embraced by people who proudly and purposefully put great weight on positive outcomes and so ignore reality for roses.  Inherent in this embrace is a bitter disappointment when optimism (which offers no content, only wishes) fails.  So on this point, go figure the tears in your eyes, Mr. Clay.  You should have consulted a shitologist first.

Barbara Ehrenreich, author of Nickled and Dimed among other non-fiction works, made many legitimate points but sounded our alarums when she said she was raised with these two major prohibitions: 1) Never cross a picket line and 2) Never vote Republican.  Let’s say that we’re in perfect, ever-loving agreement with Ms. Ehrenreich.  Even so, we agree for all the wrong reasons. 

First, a political party is not a static thing.  Consider the “Party of Lincoln” compared to today’s GOP field of circus freaks (oops, we’re getting awful close to jugglers with circus references, better watch our step).  Consider the party of Reagan compared with his avowed devotees.  Not the same over time.  Therefore, pledging allegiance to one party forever substitutes ritual and tradition for thought.

Building on this easy mark, we also want to point out that if your stated reason for believing or doing something is “That’s the way I was raised,” you fail to make a substantive critical point.  This is an “appeal to tradition” fallacy.  “The way it was is the way it should be…”  You’re not stating reasons to believe something by virtue of its merit, but rather by virtue of your fear of not being accepted at some level (by parents, peers, what have you).

So what would happen if we just accepted everything our forebears taught us without the benefit of scrutiny?  Can everyone in the audience who has a racist grandfather please raise their hands?  Simply swallowing the questionable sagacity of our elders is an impediment to true progress. 

We understand that Babs may have actually evaluated these two points and found them to pass all her critical tests.  We’re not saying she doesn’t have real reasons to uphold these teachings.  We are saying it’s shitty to cite your reason for believing something as simply being raised that way.  If your reason for believing something to be true has foundation in logic, you might want to lead with that.  The stripe of rhetoric that touts tradition as a prime influence needs to go the way of the dinosaur.

 Hot Christ.  Michael Moore’s next.  Filmmaker, bookmaker, Subway Sandwich Club Cardholder.  At one point, Mr. Moore made a direct appeal to President Obama, asking him to wake up the following morning, hold a press conference and swear off any funds from corporations, most notably Goldman Sachs.  He assured our President that at least 70% of the public would be on his side (though he ventured no guesstimate as to whether 50% of the 70% would show up to vote).  This plea received rave reviews from the audience.  

Here’s just one of the shitty things about Moore’s plea to consider: His books and movies are not free and he regularly commands speaking fees upwards of $25,000 per appearance.  Now hold on, oh philosophy wonks, we know where you’re going.  Attacking Michael Moore’s behavior has nothing to do with his argument…  that’s some “tu quoque” shit.   And it is true that even a hypocrite can make a valid argument.  But this is one of those rare cases in which the very substance of Moore’s attack on Obama can be called into question based on his lack of appreciation of its application to his own life.  It shows that he doesn’t comprehend the very charge he’s levied against Obama.  Moore’s larger point is (and has been for some time) against capitalism as a system.  And yet he offers his services for a premium in a capitalist economy. 

We’re not calling shit on Michael Moore for charging for his books, movies or appearances or even for being a capitalist when it comes to speaking fees and an anti-capitalist the rest of the time.  We’re calling shit on Michael Moore for calling shit on others who do as he does. 

And why does Michael Moore charge for his services?  Most likely because he’s worried about funding his next project.  This is why we draw the comparison to Obama (or any politician): He too is worried about funding for his next project (getting re-elected in order to improve the country, as he sees it).  Just as Michael Moore’s worried about his next movie.   Just as we’re worried about paying rent next month.   If we start giving our labor away, we have a lot to worry about (though we’d be remiss not to point out how free shitmove.com is).  None of these concerns are shitty. 

Slightly fuzzy photo of slightly fuzzy logic.

There are other panelists we will not deal with in this post.  If we went into every point that stuck in our craw, we’d easily be here for 17 years.  And we’d be here for about 20 years if we detailed everything we felt was positive about the event (we go into great detail on our sister site, bigassunicornsanddoublerainbowsforever.com).  These critical aspects of evaluation are given as examples of filters to keep in place when listening to a panel of experts on any topic.

We do want to single out one strong moment from our favorite and extremely unshitty panelist, Majora Carter.  You better go look this chick up (MacArthur Genius, “Prophet of Local”, radio host and green activist extraordinaire).  In asking a pragmatic question, she made a brilliant point.   With sincerity and a focus on real takeaways, Ms. Carter asked what solutions were being offered for people living in poverty right now.  Though Tavis Smiley seemed to think this question was answered at least 57 times, it wasn’t (Smiley indicated programs being put in place to help those in poverty but no actual points for individual action).  We agree with Ms. Carter and wonder what practical items could be lifted from the conversation and applied by and to the multitude of people living in 3rd-world zip codes in every major city and most rural communities in America.  Some thoughts are offered below in the “What Can You Do…?” section.

Shitum Majorum

You ought to know better.  You are a shitiot if you rely on Michael Moore, Barbara Ehrenreich, Dr. Cornel West, Tavis Smiley or even President Obama to do your work for you.  They all have a position to uphold.  It is incumbent on media personalities to put pressure on issues that truly matter.  They do so imperfectly, but they are at the very least starting conversations we should be having.  And that’s what they are, conversation starters in need of critical evaluation.

Obama is in a different role, one that actually produces policy.  But consider that he has to represent a wide swath of a diverse public.  And not just because he’s power-mad and wants to get re-elected, but because it’s his station to consider what the American public wants and act accordingly (either that or the Anti-Christ thing the Tea Baggers keep harping on).  Democracy is a dangerous system if we (the public) are short-sighted, stupid and over-emotional about our decisions.  Which is why, when we attend “inspirational” events such as Remaking America, we must not leave our brains in our other pants. We need our critical reason and we need our microphones (blogs, websites).

So here’s the take home question to those 1500+ people clapping and cheering these media personalities: Where was your next dollar spent?  Don’t mumble out the side of your mouth about being anti-capitalist.  You have money and you spend it in America.  At least in the short-term, you are a capitalist.  Where does it go?  $15.95 laid down at Barnes & Noble so you can read about Michael Moore’s attack on capitalism?  $40,000 to get Tavis Smiley to speak at your next birthday party?  Interesting choices.

This isn’t some George W. Bush call to action that results in you “stimulating the economy” by going out and buying 15 things you can’t afford to pay off.  We’re talking about money you’ve already dedicated to food, clothing, etc ,etc.  Where do you spend it and how does that square with your values?

Final Vote

Eventual unanimity, 101 – 0.  But it wasn’t easy… 

Ixnay on the itshay

One brave soul refused nearly every point made and claimed that the rest of us were cynics, haters and greedy capitalists.  He further condescended by saying that while he hated the game, he loved the players.  Said judge was sent to Barnes & Noble to purchase every single panelist’s latest book on poverty with his own hard-earned cash.  When he returned ($99.21 lighter), he still had money in his capitalist bank account so we made him call the Speakers Bureau and book the three most prominent on-stage guests for his Cinco de Mayo “I Have to Celebrate Something in May” Party: Suze Orman, Michael Moore and Tavis Smiley.  Yet he refused to change his vote (though we think this was in large part due to the fact that he was distracted by all the paperwork necessary to take out a 4th mortgage on his 1992 Subaru).  We almost made him watch all of Michael Moore’s films back-to-back but decided that wasn’t going to kick-start the part of his brain labeled “For Hard Thinks Only”.

So we finally made him take all his money out of the bank and put it into a credit union, made him give his “sushi fund” to a cause of his choice, registered him to vote and signed him up for a local Habitat for Humanity build.  At long last, he relented.

Shitometer Rank

So high we broke the machine.

Keep reading.

What If Everyone Talked About Important Things All the Time but Thought That Talking Was an End in Itself?

Good news/ bad news here.  The good news is that the world would be an easier place for us all to live in, as we wouldn’t feel the tiny pinch of conscience in regard to our fellow humans and would not be compelled to act in order to help them.  The bad news is that the world wouldn’t last very long.  But (yay!) good news again: Shitmove.com would never lack subject material. 

So what can you do to prevent this shitmove from recurring? 

Start by putting your zip code and volunteer interests into this little internet machine and see what happens (http://www.serve.gov/index.asp).  It’s President Obama’s call for you to act locally to impact an issue that is important to you.  While the GOP’s rhetoric would have you going another direction, we still believe that volunteering is not a partisan issue.  You can pick anything you want.  Maybe the NRA’s having one of their “Bake and Bullet” sales and needs someone to man the AK-47.

AND/ OR

Why not cut your triple mocha triple sow-cow latte triple fuckachino habit in half and find a school to donate to in your area with all your savings?  You can find meaningful projects at www.donorschoose.org.  Better yet, call the school and ask them if they can take your donation directly so as to avoid the “off the top” fees of donorschoose.org (and The United Way, for that matter).  We’re sure the school will find the right address for you to send a check or volunteer. 

Not down with the schools (what with their labor unions and their triflin’-ass first-graders)?  What are you down with?  We see a lot of American flags and “Support the Troops” signs out there.  How about the Wounded Warrior Project (http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/give-back.aspx)?  Or the 6th Branch (http://the6thbranch.org/?q=donate)?  Find it and work it out.  No excuses.  But don’t do so blindly.  Do your research.  Bring your big brain.

Lastly: Fucking vote.  Admittedly, we’re split on this one.  Half of us think it’s better if most of you don’t vote lest you select a bunch of fucking chuckleheads (though that is certainly unprecedented, 2012 Iowa Caucus-goers who managed to hang a win on Rick “Sweater Vest” Santorum).  The other half of us think if you’ve identified voting as important, you could be on a reasonable path.  And the third half of us think that if you’re reading this and ready to let shitmove.com think for you, we could certainly forward you a few tickets to punch.  So yeah.  Vote and shit.

Calling attention to the problems of unregulated markets is fine, attending symposiums is all well and good.  But don’t consider yourself outside the market and evaluate the resources you already have.  Namely your wallet, your intelligence and your vote.

If you want to change a system or call attention to an injustice, consider that revolutions do not always consist of a bazillion people storming the castle.  Sometimes they do, but not always.  Establishing your values based on evidence and ensuring your money is spent where you want to spend it is revolutionary.  It may not be as melodramatically appealing as Michael Moore on his knees, but it’s twice as effective and half as gross.  Imagine if everyone voted their values and put both money and action behind their smack rather than throwing up their hands in frustration or simply talking about important issues or endorsing a 3rd party candidate whose name they don’t even know (because the substance of the 3rd party seems to matter less than the mere existence of one, for some reason).  So go out and support community-based organizations, your child’s school, political campaigns (particularly Rick Santorum’s, as that’s money so well spent).  And ask yourself what resources you bring to your own world. 

Reading and considering and thinking and yes, even attending events such as Remaking America can stir elements of meaningful change.  But it is more than this that makes the world a stronger, more inclusive place.  It is volunteering and sharing your evaluated, realistic conclusions with your friends.  It is participating in the world in a way that best represents your vetted values.

Here’s the link to the first of three videos of Remaking America: From Poverty to Prosperity:  http://www.pbs.org/wnet/tavissmiley/interviews/#top.

Alright.  That’s the last time we let Preachy McLessons steer the shit ship for the foreseeable future.  Tune in this weekend when we get back to the realness and take up the vital issue of whether “supremo” wedgies are grounds for murder.

Don’t forget to put us on blast to all your liberal and conservative friends.  They all love us, even if they don’t know it yet.  Also, every Facebook “Like” makes us feel less lonely and every Twitter follow (@shitmoves) gives the men among us “heated wood”.  The ladies are partial to email followers (it’s more discreet that way).